Summer turned to fall and the pain in my heart was still strong. I gained about 10 pregnancy pounds and I decided I should be focused on my health. I started on an all organic and mostly vegetarian diet. My husband joined me. The holidays came and went. 2013 started. We decided that we WANTED to be parents. Mia could never be replaced, but we wanted to try for another child. On January 29th I found out I was pregnant. I called the high risk OB doctors at University of Michigan and made an appointment to be seen in two weeks. I never made it to that appointment. On February 17th, I went to the emergency room because I was bleeding. I was transferred to another hospital and told I was having a miscarriage. Really? Was something wrong with me? My family physician reassured me that this was just a fluke. She too had experienced a miscarriage and stated she got pregnant the following month. I had nothing to worry about. I decided to make a appointment with the doctors at the University again to get consolation on my recent loss.
April came and we were at our in-laws to celebrate our birthdays (me and the husbands are 3 days apart from each other) and to my surprise I got ANOTHER positive pregnancy test the day BEFORE my University appointment. We went the next day to the appointment and told the physician we were pregnant. All of our high risk scans and ultrasounds were scheduled. The entire timeline of this pregnancy was drawn out and I left feeling hopeful. This time, we were going to make it to 12 weeks so we could get that cerclage, and I would then be on bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy. And then, it happened. I had another miscarriage at 6 weeks. It was all so much to take in. Why had I never heard of such things happening to other people? Why was this happening to me? What in the hell was going on?
I decided it was time to get an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility doctor). I wanted to subject myself to every test they had to try to figure out if something was wrong with me or John. Recurrent miscarriages are not necessarily normal and I didn't want to keep this pattern going. The physical and emotional toll it takes it very complex and exhausting. I'd had enough. All the tests came back normal, except one. They tested my blood for a gene mutation called Prothrombin G20210A. Prothrombin is a protein that helps clot your blood. My genetic code causes me to have TOO much prothrombin, making my blood more likely to clot. I am heterozygous, which means I only have the gene from one parent. This mutation is found in only 2% of the Caucasian population and uncommon for African American, about 0.5%. I later had my mom tested and and found out she carries the mutation. This was what was likely causing my miscarriages. I was put on a 81mg baby aspirin daily, and told that I would need Lovenox shots when I became pregnant next time.
I received the blood clotting information in May. John and I went away for Labor Day weekend for a music festival , one of the first normal activities we had done since the new year. I felt like now I had some missing pieces of the puzzle, and I should allow myself to breath! I had spent the last year with so much heartache, sacrifice and uncertainty. My brother was getting married in June and I just wanted to enjoy each moment. I wanted to have the summer to relax and not have to think about anything pregnancy or baby related. We had a wonderful, gorgeous summer filled with family, friends, sun and TONS of water. I let go of the anchor that was on my heart, and plunged it deep down in the waters of life. I missed my daughter, but I knew I had to let her go or I could not truly LIVE. I decided to honor her with the way I lived my life. I wanted her to be proud of me. I knew I had an angel watching over me. I felt like I could finally exhale, the tightness on my heart lessened just a bit. I smile when I realize what a blessing she has been in my life.
Me and John as my brothers wedding
September came and we consulted with our fertility doctor again. We got back on the baby making wagon! Back into the perplexity and stress! The doctor said that we were healthy and he did not see any problem with us conceiving on our own. We inquired about IUI (intrauterine insemination). He was fine with letting us proceed with this procedure. The first cycle we did with Femara and natural baby making technique (lol!). We did not get pregnant that cycle. The second cycle in October I took the Femara and we did IUI that time, again, negative. For the third and fourth (November and December) we decided to switch up the meds to see if we'd have better results. I had ultrasounds on day 3-5 of my cycle to make sure everything looked good with my follicles and ovaries. Once I was cleared, I started injecting myself daily for 5 consecutive days with a medication called Gonal-F, which is a follicle stimulating hormone (FSH). I then had to have another ultrasound to see how many eggs I had produced and to see if they were near maturity. After the doctor reviewed it, he would decide when I need to trigger (inject) myself with a drug called Ovidrel which causes ovulation and also matures the follicles (it has HCG in it, the same hormone you produce when your pregnant). We then drove down to Grand Rapids to have the IUI performed. John had to produce sperm, which was washed in their lab, where it would leave the highest quality swimmers to be injected directly into the uterus. After each procedure, I had to take prometrium (progesterone) in the mornings and evenings for two weeks. At the end of two weeks, you get a blood HcG test to see if you are pregnant. If not, the process starts all over again!
Me in a hotel room the night before November IUI, exhausted!
The view from our hotel room
September, October, November, December 2013 all failed cycles, one natural with medication and the other three with medication and IUI's. The progesterone was making me moody. I was constantly at the doctor being poked and prodded. All the traveling we did, since we live 2 hours away from the fertility clinic was starting to take it's toll. The medications were just starting to make me feel really out of sorts and my pain level would sky rocket every time I was off the hormones.
We've decided to take a break from the medications. I really believe that my body can get pregnant on it's own it did last year, twice. In retrospect, I suppose we just wanted to increase our chances of getting that positive test. I've learned so much through this process, I've never lost my hope. Sometimes you just need to sit back on the sidelines and observe what is happening around you. Always remember to listen to that little voice deep inside that is telling you something is not quite right, because most of the time that gut feeling is right. I feel like I need to take the control back. No doctor or nurse knows me better then I know myself. And one day, my destiny, whatever it may be, will be fulfilled. The creator knows the desires of my heart. And I am content with that.
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