Our journey to a family (Part 1)

Some women are born with this innate biological urge to get married, buy a house and start a family, PRONTO! I've never been THAT woman. I've always been career minded and had a sense of adventure, I guess I'd never really considered having children. Even after marriage with my husband, the years flew by and one day I figured we'd better have "the talk" to make sure we were both on the same page. We both agreed that we liked our 
independence and ability to chose what we wanted to do within a moments notice. The "if it happens it happens" approach was for us. We were content on spoiling our niece and nephew, but we knew parenting was a 100% commitment and definitely not like babysitting.

And then, after 9 years together, on a trip to Chicago on St. Patrick's Day 2012, we conceived a child. I remember looking at the positive pregnancy test with disbelief as I showed my husband. I felt stupefied and the look on my face matched. John on the other hand looked as if he had just won the lottery. He immediately went on the internet to calculate our due date. December 13th was our EDD. We'd have the scariest, coolest and best Christmas present ever! 

My pregnancy was not easy. The month before I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and was just starting to feel a little relief from the medication I was on after years of agony. I had to stop taking it, as it was a Class C drug and not approved while pregnant. As my body quickly started changing, on came the morning sickness. I'm talking about 24/7 gut wrenching nausea. I could not cook in my house for several months. Everything made me ill. I craved food that I NEVER ate. My mouth watered like a hyena. I was miserable. The only thing that kept me going was, well, that I had to!! I kept praying vigilantly that my symptoms would ease up by the 3rd month like everyone was suggesting it would. By the 4th month I started to see the light. The sickness lightened up a bit where I could function. I could barely wait to know what the sex of my baby was. I worked at the hospital, and at 17 weeks I had my friend in Ultrasound give me a scan to see if she could tell early what I was having. "Unless it has a really tiny penis, you're having a girl" she told me. Hearing this news both scared and shocked me. I had pictured a boy the entire time. A GIRL!? Someone that is going to look up to me in every way!? (terrifying!!) I was happy, regardless. I was having a child and it was starting to get very real. 

After sharing the news with my hubby, in our excitement, we went to buy our first outfits for her. As much as I wanted to buy every cute outfit I saw, I restrained myself JUST in case the scan was incorrect and we were having a male! I knew it could be a possibility. I bought a breast pump and a co-sleeper. I started putting together a nursery.  One day while sitting on the porch eating Italian ice, I asked John what he thought of the name Mia. He liked it. Our daughters name was chosen. 

In my 19th week, one evening before going to bed I used the rest room. When I wiped and saw the tiniest tint of pink on the tissue. I was not alarmed. My body was going through so many changes, I figured it was one of them. Just to a make sure, I called my OB/GYN the next morning. The nurse told me to come on in, that I most likely had a urinary tract infection. Me and my husband came into the office, I gave a urine sample. They could not see any trace of an infection, so they wanted me to wait for a physical exam. I was on the table and and the nurse examined me, and then left the room. She came back in with the physician. "I'm so sorry, but your membranes are protruding and you are going to have to go directly to the hospital. You're going to have the baby, I'm sorry there is nothing we can do". What? How did this happen, what do you mean? I started crying and my world shattered. How could all the plans and hopes and dreams I had for my daughter end like this? 

We left the doctors office and went straight to Labor and Delivery where I was admitted. I was scared. Nurses came in and checked me periodically. They kept telling what to expect, that the baby may just come suddenly without warning. I was not having any contractions or any other sign of pre-term labor, so I did not understand how this could be the end of everything. I did know that at 19 weeks, Mia's lungs were not developed enough for her to be able to survive. Every nightmare I had ever imagined was child's play in comparison to this scenario. My family came to visit, they prayed, gave me their support and encouraged me to be strong. 

After two days in the hospital, I still had not delivered my daughter. Her vital signs and mine were steady. My husband started researching, he wanted to know if they could perform a rescue cerclage. A cervical cerclage is a procedure where they close the cervix with a stitch. The doctors listened and said before they would consider such a thing they needed to know that the baby was healthy. They thought my body was rejecting her because of a chromosomal  defect or an infection. They drew blood work which took 2 days to get back from the Mayo Clinic. She looked perfect. I waited another day to have an amniocentesis, and had to wait to another day to have that read. Everything came back normal. They decided they would attempt to do this risky procedure. It's not typically done when the amniotic membranes are bulging PAST the cervix, that's why it's called a "rescue". They were going to try to use a foley catheter to gently push the membranes back up where they needed to be so they could do the stitch. 

I received spinal anesthesia and was prepped for the surgery. The doctors attempted the surgery, but they stopped after their failed attempt. The catheter method was not working and they did not want to rupture the sac. We had come so far, I wanted it to work with every breath of my life. The only option I was given was to go home and on bed rest and see if I could reach viability, which is 24 weeks. That night John started to read medical articles and learned of a method of where they drained amniotic fluid and then attempted to use the catheter to push the sac back. The next morning we found a group of physicians who were experts at this type of procedure at the University of Michigan.  We asked our consulting doctor if we could be referred to them and she transferred orders to have me admitted. 

My husband ran home and got our Jeep Sahara 4 door, blew up an air mattress and made me a bed in the back. I had been on bed rest for 7 days so far, and I needed to be lying down with my hips and legs elevated at all cost. He went and bought a portable urinal and a step stool so I could get into the back of our lifted Jeep. Off we went for our 4 hour drive all the while hoping and praying I would not deliver Mia while we were traveling without any medical attention. We stopped off on a two-track for one awkward and scary bathroom break, but she held on, this girl was tough like her mother!

We made it to the hospital, where they examined me. The admitting doctor said she needed to talk about the plan of approach they wanted to use with her colleagues. I was admitted. The next day I was visited by the physician who would be performing the procedure. He talked to me about the technique they would be using (exactly what the hubby had looked up!) and told me I needed to be on antibiotics for 24 hours before they would attempt it. 

I kept my faith, I rested and stayed positive, I had hope. My in-laws came to visit me. They took John to dinner. He hadn't had a non-hospital meal in 10 days. I told him I would be fine by myself, to go and get some fresh air. As I laid there with just me and my daughter I rolled on my side and looked out the window as the white fluffy clouds rolled by. It was our first time together just her and I. I told her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, how much she was loved as tears streamed down my face. It was a moment I'll never forget. 

And then that evening, my water broke. I was in denial, not wanting it to be true, pretending like it could be something else. The nurse came in and confirmed the truth. I would not be able to have the surgery. But I was still willing to fight. We had read that the baby could live without the amniotic fluid, but it was a high risk to the mother. I was now 20 weeks along. I knew that she needed the fluid for her lungs to develop, but I wanted to hold on to her as long as I could. The doctors told me I could, but if I started to develop a fever, they would have to induce me, as my health and life would then be in jeopardy. I held on for an hour, and then my body got hot and I got a cold sweat. My body was being infected. The next time my vitals were taken, they told me that my temperature had spiked and I would have to deliver her. 

After 24 hours of contractions I delivered my Angel. 

Mia Lee Pak was born on July 27th, 2012 at 10:12 p.m. She passed away at 10:45 p.m. She weighted 10.7 oz and measured 9.75 inches. 

I left the hospital with a diagnosis of incompetent cervix. With any future children I would be a high risk pregnancy and advised to have a cerclage at 12 weeks to prevent future loses. 

We coordinated with a nearby funeral home in Ann Arbor and the hospital to have her body released to us and we would deliver her directly to our local funeral home. I was wheeled out of the hospital in a wheel chair with my tiny baby wrapped in blankets. The 4 hour drive home we took turns driving and holding her. We both wanted the opportunity to go over every aspect of her, to have it burned in our memories. To marvel at how much she looked like both of us. At times it was heart breaking and at other moments it just felt like we had a sleeping baby that we were going to bring home to cherish. The hardest moment was arriving at the funeral home and leaving Mia, a piece of me, a piece of my husband, made by our LOVE. 

I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with my daughter. I see her in the morning sun, I see her in the wind that blows gently on the trees on a warm summer night. I see her in every beautiful thing I lay eyes on upon this earth. I am blessed to be her mother.

This is part 1 of our journey to a family.. stay tuned for part 2..