The tiny feat of milestones

June 12th, 11:00 p.m., John feels the baby kick for the first time.

June 13th, John gives me his first p17 shot! yeah, I no longer have to give it to myself!

June 14th, I reach my 19th week of pregnancy, after this week I will be half way done and enter into a whole new phase of pregnancy I haven't experienced yet! 


I have reached a landmark every week in my pregnancy since the moment I found out I conceived. It's just so surreal to look back at all the tough things I have overcome to get to this point. The strict monitoring that I'm so used to will finally end and we will be into the "normal" pregnancy risks and complications after this Fridays appointment. I have had OB appointments every other week since week 10 to check my cervical length trans-vaginally and make sure everything is staying put. So far everything has been picture perfect. At 16 weeks I started taking 17-hydroxyprogesterone shots weekly to prevent preterm labor. Even though I do not have a history of it, they want to be safe then sorry. The physician approved to let me do the shots myself. This week, I was having a horrible time giving it to myself, as it has to be given in the buttocks. John is deathly afraid of needles, but somehow got the strength to inject me. I'm so thankful that he's able to administer it now, as the bigger I get, the more impossible the task. After my 20 week anatomy check and last cervical check, I'll feel a considerable weight will have been lifted. We're now in territory we've never seen before, and I'm not afraid of new challenges!

At 19 weeks in 2012 is when I found out I was going to deliver Mia early. We made it to 20 weeks, and then she was born and left this world. It's hard to imagine that next month, had she lived, I would have a 2 year old daughter running around! The one thing that I long for the most is to hear her voice. I think about it frequently. I have come to terms that nothing in this life is truly ours, even our children. They are borrowed miracles which we have the pleasure of nurturing here on earth. But alas, everything must be given back, everything has it's season. Mia has taught me about living in every moment. I know the value of days, hours, minutes and seconds. She taught me how to consciously chose my friends and relationships to the highest caliber, because my days are numbered, just like hers were, so I chose to be HAPPY while I'm still here. She also made me realize that I want to spend my days learning, growing and loving. I am thankful and humble for each lesson and each blessing I may receive.

Isn't it amazing what two little feet can do when they touch your heart!... 

난 당신 아들을 사랑- I love you son

IT'S A BOY!!

On May 17th, I had an early Ultrasound to determine the sex of the baby. We had the scan at a private company and took my mother and father in-law with us. My husband is an only child, and his parents did not get to partake in any of the pregnancy appointments with my daughter, so this time we wanted to do something special to include them.

The appointment was rather interesting. Upon close examination and much prodding of the baby, we clearly determined that Baby Pak #2 was a girl! The tech moved to the other anatomy of the sleepy fetus and we watched "her" swallow fluid and shield her face. She really didn't want to be bothered and was certainly less active than her older sister at this gestational age.We all watched the TV screen and looked at 3D images and I lied there shocked that once again, my maternal instinct that had told me both times I was having a boy was yet again, incorrect. 

The scan continued and I shared the story to the tech about how the first day my husband met me he told me we were going to have 3 girls (lol!) so I guess he COULD foretell the future. She got a kick out of it and then we went back to take a second peek at the private parts, just to reconfirm. She went back to the genital area, and things looked the same, and then, the baby opened "her" legs, and what we once thought was a girl was certainly not!! She was actually a HE and there was no question or doubt about it! Baby boy finally decided to open his legs and stopped all the "girl" nonsense! We all were laughing and practically rolling around on the floor.It was outrageously comical and a moment I'll never forget!!

This past Memorial Day weekend we did a gender reveal cake for my side of the immediate family. I was fortunate enough to have my best friend be there which meant EVERYTHING to me! The pictures above are from the reveal. My sister in-law took the photos and I can not believe that she got this action shot of me!! Also, when they say your bff should know everything about you, mine certainly knows me! She guessed the gender correctly for this baby as well.

Having a son for us is very special.  As I said before, my husband is an only child. My husband's father, Joung, was born in Japan (but grew up in Korea) and was separated from his parents because of the Korean war. He was just a young boy when the war broke out. He had a brother who passed away as an infant and a sister who died at age 13 right after the Korean War. Joung was 12 at the time. Joung's father was able to read and write well, so the army took him to serve whatever purpose they needed him for and the family never saw or heard from their father ever again.

Joung's mother left him with her brother for many years while she fled to Japan to start a new life. When she came back, she had met an American and went to the U.S. She came back to Korea and ran an orphanage with Joung who was about 20 then. They were able to move to America a few years later. My husband's mother has a very similar family story that centers around the war with missing family members and casualties. She was finally able to come to America where she met my husband's father and they married.

We have been blessed with a son, and he will be able to carry on the Pak surname. The struggles and hardships that my husband's mother and father had to endure to survive and provide a better life for their only son, my husband, is nothing but amazing and humbling to me. My husband is a first generation born American! I am so thankful that they were able to provide him with the American dream and sacrificed everything they had to raise a son who is truly a ray of sunshine to me. I am overjoyed to have the opportunity to raise a young man who will pass on the name and know his culture and history.  I will raise him to be strong and determined to live out his dreams as both sets of his grandparents and parents have. I pray that he knows each day how much he is loved, even now. Every moment I am grateful for the minutes I get to call him, my son.

Hello there...

*Baby P Hiccups after eating Korean food*

Against all odds...

This is my sacred space. This blog is something I started to share my experiences. So mostly in this blog, others will read about things that I have went through, in hopes that they can relate or learn from. I feel that learning is something we are never too old for. I feel that when we go through extraordinary things, we should educate and express them to help others. To me it helps reveal who I am as a person, because all of my experiences help shape the person I am. The path is never straight forward like we'd like it to be. There are usually valleys, mountains and many obstacles to over come that we never knew were coming. But I'm ok with that. The older I become, I realize that this is simply LIFE! I never sit in the moment of defeat or doubt and cry out for help, I move on to plan A, B, C, D, E... etc. There is always another option. If you think that your options are expendable, you should think again. Because if you can believe it, I know that you can achieve it. But don't forget, it may not be easy!!!

I recently had a procedure done to fix my incompetent cervix. The one most commonly used is the Transvaginal Cerclage (TVC). It's placed around 13 weeks and is done through the vagina .The cervix is stitched shut near the bottom. You are usually on full bedrest afterwards for the entirety of your pregnancy, and it is about 75-85% effective. When they say effective, the medical world means live birth. They consider live births that are severely preterm with lifelong medical complications success stories. Full term, healthy birth success rate is probably less than the 75%. Since the cerclage is placed low on the cervix, the pressure of the baby will still push down, causing you to dilate and funnel up to the stitch. There's a lot of pressure being placed on the cervix itself. Your water can break at any time and can even tear the cervix where the stitch is placed. To me, this is very risky. But I was willing to lay in bed for months on end if need be. I consulted last month with the high risk doctors at U of M and they wanted to do the "wait and watch" approach, measure my cervix to see if there were any changes and then possibly perform a TVC if they felt it needed. In my heart I knew there had to be other options. So we did more research and found the answer we were looking for. 


The other kind of cerclage is called a  Transabdominal Cerclage (TAC). It's placed through your abdominal cavity and is so much more effective.  A c-section incision is made and a band (made of merselene) is placed tight and high on the cervix. It can support up to 100 lbs! The procedure can be placed pre-pregnancy or during pregnancy (but only up to 10 weeks or so) . The band is permanent and can be used for future pregnancies. You can only deliver via C-section after it's placed. It totally solves your incompetent cervix, no bed rest is needed and you can resume a normal pregnancy and have the chance to deliver a full term baby! There are only a few doctors in the United States that do this procedure. They are highly skilled and saved thousands of babies lives! This was the route I decided to go. We were lucky enough to live close enough to one of the most recommended ones in the world, Dr. Arthur Haney, at the University of Chicago Medicine. Women from all over the world come to have their TAC placed by him. We consulted with him on the phone for well over an hour, he explained any little detail we could have ever thought of, and a week later we traveled to Chicago. I had my procedure on 4/11/14. 

I was not nervous the night before my surgery, I don't over think things. I couldn't eat 10 hours before hand (surgery was scheduled for 1:30 pm the next day) but I made sure to order room service for 2:30 am so I could get one last meal in. The University of Chicago Medicine Center for Care and Discovery is an amazing building. It feels like you are going into an airport or some kind of space ship, it's really state of the art and just over a year old. I felt I was in the best care possible when I was there. The entire staff that would be in the OR with me came in and introduced themselves, what their role would be and made sure I was comfortable.I was wheeled back into the OR with no nerves whatsoever. They started to give me general anesthesia and the next thing I remember I was waking up and heading to recovery. The procedure took about 2 hours. They were rather surprised that I was coherent so fast. They asked how my pain level was, and it was ok for the moment, they said it was just the anesthesia that hadn't wore off yet because I would soon feel pain and to not be tough, just use the medicine. I was given a pain pump and I could push the button every 8 minutes and have Dilaudid injected straight in my blood stream. I was in the recovery room for a long time, as it was a shift change and they had to get my room ready. I did not have any nausea, vomiting, or any other adverse reactions. I just wanted to get to my room and sleep and get something in my stomach. 

I had one of the best rooms you can get there. It has a city view as well as a view of Lake Michigan, pictures don't do it justice and the windows are tinted. It was nice for my hubby. He was able to stay in the room with me the two nights I stayed which was wonderful.

That night I did get a bite to eat. I did not get into my room until 8:00 p.m. I had a catheter also which are always uncomfortable to me. I lived off the pain pump and was in and out of states of rest. I actually didn't get a wink of real sleep that night, as the catheter was not draining correctly and was causing me pain and I kept waking up trying to roll to my side to see if i could get it to drain better. My throat hurt so BAD! When you have general anesthesia, they intubate you (put a tube down your trachea to maintain an open airway) and that really messed with my throat. It felt as if someone had shoved something down there (which they had!) and irritated everything. 

The next morning was rough. They came in, took the catheter out, stopped the pain pump and you are encouraged to try to get up and walk. Since this is not a normal Csection. They actually go into your abdominal cavity, move your muscles, bowels, bladder and uterus around, you basically feel like you've been cut in half! They give you Percocet as needed, but the next day was rough. Dr. Haney said I should recover well and quickly since I am fit, and have no fat. But, the next day I just felt like a big old baby! My hubby brought me flowers when he went out searching for breakfast and that brightened my spirits for a second. 

I eagerly waited for my ultrasound. They finally came for me, and Dr. Haney met up with us when we went in. The ultrasound tech showed him the TAC and he was pleased with what he saw. He talked to me with how the procedure had went and that he had never had someone with such tight abdominal muscles! (I could tell, because they feel pretty bruised!!) He explained that my cervix would stay long and I could have it looked at every two weeks with my OB/GYN so I could have reassurance things were staying put. He's an amazing man. Truely, I've never met a doctor like him before and I'm so glad that this was all possible. We were all laughing because Dr. Haney personally escorted us to Pre-Op and after the ultrasound, he personally escorted me back up to my room (and this hospital is huge). He said that was the most expensive escorts I'll ever have in my life. I mean, really, he felt like a father I've always wanted!

And at the end of the measuring of the TAC and cervix, I finally got to see the entire reason for this, the reason why I'm willing to go through so much suffering, pain, and any obstacle I need to....

Introducing the incredible little life that is growing inside of me. John and I have conceived all on our own. I know that my baby has a fighting chance of entering this world healthy, because I have done all that I physically can to protect Baby Pak, and that is all any parent can do for their child. 

I'm at home, recovering, and it's hard. Every day gets a tiny bit better. The worst pain I have had was the first 3 days after surgery. My body was so pumped full of air, I thought my stomach was going to explode and I've never been in that much pain in my entire life. Another thing, I would advise getting a TAC pre-pregnancy if possible. The incision is a bit smaller as well. I am at the end of my 1st trimester, but still not feeling so hot and it's complicated recovering from major surgery and being sick from pregnancy. Also, I would advise against the narcotics unless you're GI track can handle it. It makes things a lot worse for me with an already slow digestion because of pregnancy. I stopped taking them the day I got home. I rather suffer with pain from surgery, then the pain of bloating and not being able to eat when you are starving!

If you have any other questions regarding Transabdominal Cerclage (TAC) please feel free to comment below. I am so thankful for Dr. Haney, what a blessing he is! 

The Humility of Spring

According to the calendar, Springtime has begun. Spring is a time of fresh starts, new beginnings, things being made new once again. The excitement of these things gives us hope towards the future and renews the feelings of being alive! I was born in the month of April and I feel the vigor of things changing in the course of my blood. To me, there is nothing better then to awake from a long winter of darkness into a world that is warming and life awakening before our very eyes!

In March we usually take a trip to South Beach for a small vacation. This year we kept it local due to many circumstances. So we opted for few days in Chicago, our home away from home. 

Chicago is known for being a beautiful city with world class shopping. I always allow some time for that whenever I visit. But my favorite thing to do is eat my way through the city. This particular trip, since we were chasing that 60º weather on Friday, I was compelled to visit the Garfield Park Nature Conservatory. 

The first thing I noticed as I walked in was the SMELL. Wow, did my senses feel robust from all the plant and flower aromas!! I honestly felt like life had been infused back into me. The warmth and humidity was also welcomed. 

John and I spent a long time sitting on a bench in the middle of the tropical foliage meditating and breathing in all the life around us. I felt euphoric, calm, satisfied and peaceful.

The last green house contains the flower exhibit and is a spectacular assault to your senses when you haven't seen large amounts of flowers for MONTHS. The colors are so vibrant, the smell is intoxicating and it is so hard to leave!! I heard a mother tell her daughter it was time to go, and the little girl begged her Mom to stay. I felt the same exact way.

As we were about to exit, I was drawn to a deep yellow colored flower. Its leaves were nearly perfect and unfurling, like nothing I had seen before. I snapped a picture hoping I could capture the magic I saw when I looked at it. To my surprise, the picture seized the gracefulness ....

 

The flower is called a Ranunculus asiasticus. I kept looking at it, stunned by how the  leaves were perfectly folded, layer by layer.  The flower had a deep rich pigment that reminded me of a summer night sky. Simple, delightful, and humble, these are the things that made it superb!

As I think more about the flower, or nature in general, I think there is a great lesson to be learned, and that is one about HUMILITY. This flower knows it is not a rose, that is does not have the alluring fragrance of a lilac or a lily. It will never be a cute little violet or seductive orchid. If all the plants and flowers wanted to be each other, then Springtime would lose it's brilliance and the magnificent show we see each year would cease to impress. Nature knows the true balance of existence. No single thing is boastful of its place, rank or importance in the grand scheme of things. Aristotle said "The whole is greater then the sum of its parts". This speaks to being humble. Together, they make something spectacular without even knowing.

The humility of the flower shows us that perfection can only come in the form of doing what we were made to be, what the divine wills us to be, and that is ourselves. He created each of us to be uniquely admirable. When we are humble we have no worries of being unnoticed, overlooked, and no need for praise. Humbleness is true greatness and nature shows that to us daily, all in the leaves of a modest yellow flower.

P.S. Thank you to my friend James for inspiring me to finish this post :)

In Remembrance of Mia

This morning I feel compelled to share the eulogy for my daughters Memorial service. These words have comforted me so much in the early days of her death. The first time I went into Mia's memory box and read this, my heart hurt so bad. But today, as I read the words my heart is filled with thankfulness and warm remembrance for a child that has forever changed my life. I share this not for sympathy, but for hope that this may also soothe the heart of another parent who has lost a child. 

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Life from the Camera Roll

Life has been busy, and very complicated lately. I have a few lengthy blog posts in the works, but for now, I will leave you with this past weekends images and inspirations.

Comfy PJ's from my sister in law

Cuddle time in the massage chair with the kids

My favorite quote of the week

My Granny, Mom and Aunt on her B-day, enjoying a Paczi!

The beautiful morning we left to go see Scott in G.R.

The view from the cross walk to the Meijer Heart Center

He's a fighter. Never seen so many cords and wires

Resting up in the hotel room, Mother and Daughter heating pads going!

My cold hubby and the dogs relaxing

Letting go of the wheel and driving by faith

Essential hospital nutrition also my favorite snack

The evening Gizmo choked on a bone and gave us a scare

A view from the waiting room of the ICU Heart Unit

My daily lesson from my Transform Your Life app

My Oracle reading this morning confirming what I believe to be true

I hope your Monday was great and you woke up realizing all your blessings and were thankful for them. Peace and love.

My five minute makeup

There are many perks about working from home. My top 3 are not having to drive into the job, not having to get out of pajamas the entire day and not having to wear makeup! I really enjoy not having these things on my mind and agenda first thing when I wake up, it's such a luxury!

 

My New Makeup Bag all organized and clean!

I've never been a person that wears makeup everyday, and in the summer, I pretty much only wear lip gloss and mascara. With that being said, I still LOVE playing with makeup and experimenting with looks. I am a big fan of the 5 minute makeup routine. I like a natural and effortless look for days that I'm not going to some kind of event. Here are products I use for that fast non-fussy look. 

My makeup staples

FACE: For the skin, I'm an avid MAC cosmetics user. I've tried other products over the past 10 years, but nothing covers and last like theirs do, so I've always stuck with it. I can always find a shade that matches my skin tone. I use MAC Select Cover Up under my eyes in shade NW35. It's a light weight concealer that blends invisibly and helps lighten up my dark circles and it lasts all day without creasing. For the rest of my face, I use MAC Studio Fix which is a powder and foundation all in one. It has a smooth powder consistency, goes on matte and your skin can breath! It's not heavy at all, and it gives awesome coverage in one step! In the winter I'm an NC43. Lastly, I usually use a bronzer to give a little contour to my nose and cheek bones. The one pictured above is from Ada Cosmetics and the color is Golden Bronzer which I received in a Birchbox package a while back. It's a mineral product and I really like it so far, the color is a peachy bronze. For my checks I use Tarte Amazonian Clay 12-hour blush in color Adventurous. 

Tarte Blush in Adventurous

Eyes: I keep it very simple when it comes to my eyes. I think the #1 thing that people forget about when it comes to enhancing your eyes is all the HAIR that is around them. I'm talking about eyebrows and eyelashes. To me, these are the most important part of your eye. If they are not well manicured, it doesn't matter what kind of eyeliner or eyeshadow you have on, it just doesn't look well groomed. Define your eye by shaping your eyebrow. I use Too Faced Brow Envy shaping and defining kit. It has a brow wax, highlighter, two different powder colors, tweezers, brow brush tools, pencil and even 3 different stencils to help you achieve your desired shape if you need assistance. The next step is curling your lashes. For mine I use the Tarte Picture Perfect eyelash curler. And to length my eye lashes I use Tarte Light Camera Flashes mascara. I actually like Tarte Light Camera Lashes a little better then the this one, because I like the brush that comes with it and that formula actually lengths my lashes, but I'm overall happy with the quality of the product.

Lips: I'm mostly a gloss kind of girl, but lately I'm so into a pop of color on my lips. I'm not a fan of anything sticky, cakey, drying or lip products full of chemicals and fillers. I'm totally in love with Tarte's lip products! The quality of the ingredients and the fact that they actually condition my lips have me sold! Tarte Lip Surgence Matte Lip Tint is my new favorite! I've been wearing it a lot in the color Fiery. Since it's a tint, it stays put, but it's so hydrating and has a touch of mint. I also love Tarte's lip glosses which are also the bomb and come in a variety of colors, plus they have maracuja oil! 

And that's it! So here's my after pictures. The left side of my face is with makeup, the right side is without. Please keep in mind that I put makeup on at 10:00 p.m. tonight to demonstrate this look and the lightening is not the best, these pictures are all unedited. The night before I was out all night dancing. I'm a little dehydrated, and very sleep deprived, lol! There is not a terribly huge difference but that is the look I like to go with for day to day. I like to enhance what I have and go bold for special occasions. 

What are your daily products? I'd love to hear your feed back! Does anyone know of a good eye makeup remover that is naturally derived and approved by ophthalmologist? Please leave your comments below!